I recently finished reading Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft, and it’s safe to say this book left a lasting impression. If you’re not familiar, Bancroft draws on years of experience working with abusive men in group programs to unpack the dynamics of abusive relationships. This isn’t just another book about domestic violence—it’s a deeply compassionate and eye-opening exploration of why abusive behavior happens and how it impacts victims. I highly recommend it.
Here are some key insights I'd like to pass along:
1. Abuse is a Choice
One of the most powerful takeaways from Bancroft’s work is his emphasis on accountability. He argues that abusive behavior isn’t caused by anger, stress, or substance use—it’s a deliberate choice rooted in entitlement and a desire for control. Abusers act out because they believe they have the right to dominate their partner, not because they “can’t help it.” This reframing shifts the focus away from excuses and onto the mindset driving the behavior.
2. Abuse is About Power, Not Emotions
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking abuse stems from deep-seated pain or emotional wounds. Bancroft dismantles this myth by showing that many abusers are perfectly capable of controlling themselves in public or with others. Their abuse is selective and targeted. It’s about exerting power in their intimate relationships, not about an inability to regulate emotions.
3. The Subtlety of Control
Not all abuse is loud or violent. Bancroft sheds light on how manipulation, gaslighting, and subtle control tactics can be just as harmful as physical violence. These behaviors erode a victim’s self-esteem, sense of reality, and autonomy over time, making it harder for them to recognize the abuse and leave.
4. Most Abusive Men Don’t Change
Perhaps one of the hardest truths Bancroft shares is that most abusive men do not change, even with intervention. True change requires them to deeply confront their beliefs about entitlement and control, something many are unwilling to do. Bancroft notes that abusers who claim to have changed often manipulate the process to appear reformed while continuing their abusive behaviors in subtler ways.
5. What True Change Looks Like
For an abusive man to genuinely change and repair his relationship, Bancroft explains that the process requires significant effort, humility, and accountability. It’s not about saying the right words or appearing remorseful—it’s about consistent, long-term actions. Here are some of the behaviors Bancroft says should be expected:
Acknowledging the harm caused by his behavior without minimizing, blaming, or justifying it.
Giving up control and treating his partner as an equal in all aspects of the relationship.
Accepting boundaries set by his partner, including limits on contact if needed for her safety.
Committing to long-term accountability, often through participation in structured intervention programs designed for abusive men.
Earning trust through actions, not expecting forgiveness or reconciliation as a given.
6. The Role of Community Accountability
One of the most striking points Bancroft makes is how crucial community and social accountability are in overcoming abuse. Abusive men often thrive in environments where friends, family, or even institutions enable or excuse their behavior. For real change to happen, the abuser’s community must hold him accountable. This can include calling out abusive behaviors, refusing to participate in excuses or justifications, and supporting the victim rather than remaining neutral. Bancroft underscores that accountability from trusted peers or mentors can help reinforce the abuser’s responsibility to change and stay on track.
7. Why Individual Therapy Can Be Harmful
Bancroft warns against relying on individual therapy as a solution for abusive men. Therapy that focuses on the abuser’s feelings or childhood wounds can backfire, as it may reinforce their self-centered worldview. Instead of addressing their entitlement and control issues, this kind of therapy often provides them with language and tools to justify or even escalate their abuse.
8. Couples Therapy is Not Recommended
Another key insight is Bancroft’s strong stance against couples therapy in cases of abuse. While it may seem like a fair or neutral approach, couples therapy inherently assumes equal responsibility for the relationship’s problems. This can embolden the abuser to blame the victim further and use the therapy process as another tool for manipulation. Bancroft emphasizes that addressing abuse requires the abuser to take full responsibility—something that cannot happen in a shared therapeutic space with their victim.
9. Leaving is Complicated
One of the most heart-wrenching truths Bancroft explores is why it’s so difficult for victims to leave abusive relationships. From financial dependence and fear of retaliation to emotional bonds and societal stigma, the barriers are immense. He urges readers to approach this issue with empathy rather than judgment.
10. Healing Requires Support and Boundaries
Bancroft emphasizes that true healing for survivors involves setting boundaries, recognizing their own worth, and receiving support from trusted people or professionals. Survivors need to reclaim their voice and their right to safety, often in the face of continued attempts by their abuser to maintain control.
Why This Matters
This book can help you better understand the systemic and interpersonal factors that sustain abuse, and will impress how vital it is to center survivors’ experiences in conversations about domestic violence. If you’ve ever struggled to make sense of abusive dynamics—whether in your personal life or as a professional—this book is an invaluable resource. It’s a challenging but necessary read, full of compassion for survivors and a firm call to hold abusers accountable.
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